Ah, the great existential crisis of our time: White Men Feeling Oppressed.
For centuries, history books have been nothing more than highlight reels of the Greatest Hits of White Men, where they invented everything, discovered lands already occupied, and graciously allowed civilization to happen under their benevolent rule (pat yourselves on the back, fellas). But now, oh no, suddenly, the game has rules? Women, Black people, Indigenous folks, immigrants, LGBTQ+ people—all these inconvenient humans—are asking for a say? Well, that just won’t do.
Thus, we arrive at this tragic moment in history where “equity”—which, let’s be clear, just means a fair shot, not even a handout—has been translated in the Great White Male Dictionary as oppression.
Gentlemen, sit down. I have some bad news: You are not being oppressed. You are just being asked to share.
Oppression? Please.
Oppression is being enslaved. Oppression is being redlined out of homeownership. Oppression is being denied education, voting rights, or healthcare because of the color of your skin, your gender, or who you love. Oppression is Tulsa being burned down in 1921 because Black people had the nerve to be successful. Oppression is Jim Crow laws. Oppression is internment camps, forced sterilizations, police brutality, and entire communities being treated like second-class citizens.
Let me get this straight:
A White guy doesn’t get the job because a company wants diversity? That’s oppression?
A college dares to recruit students who aren’t copies of Chad from Westchester? Oppression?
A woman CEO exists? Oppression?
A superhero movie stars a Black guy instead of another muscle-bound Chris? Oppression?!
Boys, if that is oppression, I’d like to introduce you to reality, because you’ve clearly never met before.
The Participation Trophy Generation in Reverse
What’s really happening here is that for the first time in history, some White men are realizing that they are not the main characters of society.
For years, everything was rigged in their favor—laws, economics, the very foundation of modern civilization was built with them in mind. They were raised with the idea that success was their birthright, not something they had to compete for. And now that everyone else has entered the race, suddenly, they’re realizing they might not win by default.
Instead of self-reflection, what do they do? Throw a fit. Full, toddler-in-a-Walmart, screaming-on-the-floor, red-faced meltdown. They scream about affirmative action, cancel culture, DEI, and whatever other three-letter acronym Fox News is feeding them that week.
Here’s a thought: If you were actually the “best person for the job,” you wouldn’t be so fragile about some competition. Maybe instead of whining, you be better?
Equality Feels Like Oppression When You’re Used to Being the Emperor
It’s fascinating that the moment other people get a seat at the table, suddenly, these guys feel like they’re starving.
Nobody is saying White men can’t be successful. Clearly, you’ve run the market on success without boundary. No one is outlawing your privilege (so much freakin’ privilege)—we’re just asking you to acknowledge that it exists.
But instead, we get this pearl-clutching (in our community, we’d say ‘that’s bitch in you‘) nonsense:
- “They’re trying to replace us!” No, we just want to exist alongside you without needing your permission.
- “DEI is destroying America!” If hiring a couple of Black people is enough to sink the economy, maybe the system was garbage to begin with.
- “I worked hard for everything I have!” No one is saying you didn’t. We’re just saying others have to work twice as hard for the same shot.
- “Affirmative action is racist!” (Said by people whose entire existence is based on generational wealth, nepotism, and the unearned perks of whiteness.)
The reality is, equality means the playing field is level. It doesn’t mean you get benched (even though some of you guys are clearly not talented). If that feels like oppression, that says more about how lopsided the system was to begin with.
Wrap It Up, White Tears Are Expensive
Straight No Chaser:
No one is taking away your rights. You control them all in the first place. You had them all in the first place. No one is erasing your history (you guys actually do that to yourselves every time a state bans Black history from being taught). No one is preventing you from getting jobs, making money, or living your dreams (see the year 1619).
We’re just asking—no, demanding—a fair shot at those same things.
And if that feels like oppression to you? I’m talking to you specifically Elon Musk. Go fuck yourself. And I mean that with all my heart and soul. And, no, I have no time to talk about who’s the GOAT (Kobe), because it is a country full of you guys effin’ up everything you can because of hurt feelings and money. It’s always about money.
Buddy, you were never oppressed. You were just the only one being fed at the table. Now, we’re pulling up our own seats.
Deal with it.